A.L.'s Helpful Rules for the Apocalypse

Things have.. well, they’ve gotten a little crazy out there, haven’t they? We’ve survived so many potential pandemics and yet this one… this one is the one that has made everyone lose their ever-lovin’ minds.

Since common sense seems to be in short supply, I’ve created a quick list of rules it would be helpful to remember during these trying times. Now, some of us are already doing these things, and it’s the rest of the world that’s gone insane. Unfortunately, forcing others to follow these rules only works for the government, so please don’t try that. Simply avoid them when you can.

So, onto the helpful guidelines, shall we?

1- This is an upper respiratory virus. However much it seems, people don’t talk/speak out of their assholes in the real world. You don’t need a year’s worth of ass-wipe saved up. One roll per person per every other day of potential quarantine is plenty… honestly, it’s probably too much even then. Put some of that back. Other people gotta shit too. Otherwise, in a few weeks, we’ll all have E.Coli on top of Corona. It’s like a match made in Taco Bell Hell.

2- Basic flu precautions are what work. Voodoo, sage-ing, and prayer might be helpful mentally, but the virus isn’t religious and doesn’t care. Karen’s homemade cayenne, Thieves oil, and egg white shooter will likely kill you before the virus does. Practice saying “No!” loudly and clearly in the mirror, with a look of abject horror on your face until the wild Karen retreats. Wash your hands. Use hand sanitizer in the in-between times when you CAN’T wash your hands- not as a replacement for it. Don’t touch your face… yes, I know it’s pretty. I know it’s a neurotic habit. Get a fidget. Stay home if you don’t feel well. Load up Netflix and chill… with a blanket, Kleenex, and some chicken soup. Dog for cuddles optional, but highly recommended.

3- You can’t shoot a virus. Nor can you burn one, beat one into submission, drown it in water, or submerge it in ten feet of pasta sauce. Seriously… stop hoarding. Get what you need for your family for the next few weeks. Other people have families too. The elderly and those on disability are the people in the most need, and they get paid once a month. By the time the rabid hyenas have picked through everything, those people can’t find food and necessities to survive this. Stockpiling guns and ammo is helpful for the ZOMBIE apocalypse. Zombies, guys. We haven’t heard any reports yet of that. Wait for the proper news. Even then, perhaps a machete or chainsaw might be more efficient. I’ve seen those movies. Bullets are a terrible way to kill zombies.

4- Remember, free isn’t free. While some companies are being ‘generous’ and saying they won’t disconnect anyone during this time for non-payment of bills, do remember the magical unicorn dust fairy doesn’t sprinkle money dust over those bills. They’re still there, gaining steam, lurking like Corona in the corners of a port-a-potty at Woodstock. If you have an undiscovered talent for bullshittery or something you can sell for clicks or attention, now may be the time to develop it. We don’t suggest licking toilet seats and doorknobs. That’s just… you know what? No, do that. Let Darwin sort it out.

5- Stop taking the damn masks from the hospitals- they won’t protect you, but they will protect the doctors and nurses who need to handle your ass if/once you get sick. On that note, stop buying up all the dust masks. They are for large particles. Have you ever seen a virus with the naked eye? I rest my case. Construction workers need those to protect against asbestos, mold, drywall dust and insulation fibers. Stop putting other people at risk because of sheer stupidity. You wear a mask when YOU are sick to prevent your germy droplets from spewing everywhere. That’s it. Unless you are Godzilla, your viruses aren’t considered ‘large particles’. Leave those for the construction workers, thank you.

6- Remember, this too will pass. We’ve gotten through some shit, haven’t we? We aren’t risen apes for nothing. Of course, it’ll get worse before it gets better, but every virus, bug, and ailment runs its course eventually. Check on your neighbors, your elderly family and friends. Only go out if you have to, leave the doctor’s offices, hospitals, grocery stores, and pharmacies clear for those that truly need the help and supplies. And again… stop. freaking. hoarding. supplies. You. don’t. need. a. year’s. worth. of. anything. for. this. 

This has been my TED talk. Thank you for attending. Back to the regularly scheduled panic, mayhem, social breakdown, and insanity. I’ll be in my toilet paper bunker, peering out at the masses and waiting for deliverance. 

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